Nathalie McClure
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Relationship Counselling for Couples and Individuals
Binfield Heath (Henley-On-Thames) RG9, Oxfordshire
Blog
Affairs and how relationship therapists work with them
Posted on February 4, 2014 at 7:17 AM |
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As part of the BACP requirements for Continuous
Professional Development, I recently attended a training course on Affairs and
their impact on the couple relationship. It was a fascinating course with
therapists from different cultures, training and moral values. Affairs are
always a controversial subject, often touching both therapists and clients
deeply and on a personal level.
25% of couples coming for relationship
counselling present an extramarital affair as their reason for seeking
counselling. A further 30% of couples disclose the existence of affairs in the
course of therapy. These numbers only reflect the prevalence of affairs for
couples seeking counselling but there are obviously many more couples not seeking
counselling who have been, are or will be impacted by them.
So how do therapists work with couples impacted
by the disclosure of infidelity, be it with a real person, virtual or through
the use of pornography?
First it is essential to understand that such
disclosures are often experienced as cataclysmic for the unsuspecting partner.
Some authors e.g. Glass (2002), liken the symptoms experienced by the
‘betrayed’ partner to the ones experienced by people affected by Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder. This emphasises the intensity of the trauma experienced within
the couple and how critical it is to dedicate a considerable amount of time to
acknowledge and work through these symptoms. Others like Monika Sheinkman (2005) concur that
working with trauma is an essential part of the work that needs to be done when
dealing with affairs but disagree that it should be the only focus of therapy.
She recommends that the couple and therapist should take this opportunity to
develop a full picture of the reasons for the affair taking into account the
contextual and cultural factors. This echoes my clinical experience when
dealing with affairs. I generally find helpful to ‘normalise’ the situation and
all the intense thoughts and feelings experienced by the couple and reassure
them. I then do a lot of work exploring the motives and the circumstances
leading up to the affair. Controversially, Sheinkman suggests that
monogamy is often assumed to be the ideal but in fact it may not be essential
in certain cultures nor for certain individuals. I guess this has been recently
illustrated in the differences in the French/British press coverage of the
adventures of Mr Hollande and his various partners… Sheinkman rejects the idea
that affairs are ‘immoral’ and ‘abnormal’ and also brands the language of
betrayal as unhelpful. Levine (2005) acknowledges that in a long-term
relationship people change and what was assumed at some stage about one partner
may no longer be true. His approach is fairly direct offering his ‘hunches’ to the
couple regarding the motives and meanings of the affair hoping to trigger
debate for the couple. Levine’s approach is similar to Sheinkman as they both
recommend the need to present a balanced view of each partner’s difficulties
and perspectives and not only focus on the basic ‘Victim’ and ‘Perpetrator’
concept. I believe this is the most helpful way for couples seeking to salvage
their relationship but for it to be successful a pre-requisite should be for
the affair partner to take full responsibility for his/her actions. Sheinkman also disagrees with the values of
absolute transparency and truth telling as these can further increase the
trauma that therapy is aiming to address. While I think there is a lot of merit
in Sheinkman’s approach, my clinical experience is that the cheated on partner
often is desperate for the full truth. Hours are being spent picturing every
minute detail of what might have happened. Cheated on partners often believe
they are still being lied to and until they ‘know’ they have been told
everything, they cannot move on. Ultimately the affair needs to ‘make some kind
of sense’ to the cheated on partner to allow him or her to move on. Glass, S. P., (2002). Couple Therapy after the
Trauma of Infidelity In Gurman, A.S.
& Jacobson, N. S Clinical handbook of
couple therapy 3 ed. New York: Guildford Press.
Levine, S. B., (2005). A clinical perspective
on infidelity. Sexual and Relationship
Therapy. Vol 20, No. 2. Sheinkman, M., (2005). Beyond the trauma of
betrayal: Reconsidering Affairs in Couples Therapy. Family Process 44:227-224.
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Has your relationship survived Christmas?
Posted on January 6, 2014 at 10:09 AM |
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You may
have heard that early January is the busiest time of the year for divorce
lawyers. They report on average an increase of 30% in new enquiries post
Christmas/New Year break compared to the rest of the year. Relate, the leading
organisation providing relationship and couple counselling in the UK, also
records significantly higher than average calls and demand for appointments in
January than in any other month of the year. So why is
that? People have generally high expectations for this time of year, thinking
they will have a wonderful family time putting themselves and their loved ones
under a lot of pressure if things don’t go according to plan. Or you may have
to spend Christmas with your in-laws or other relatives you may or may not get
on with, creating tensions between you and your partner. Crucially, Christmas
is an idealised family time when couples are expected to spend their time
together with their children (and enjoy it!). The usual avenues for escaping or
hiding from a less than satisfactory relationship i.e. office, hobby, friends,
etc…, may not be available during that time, making it all the more obvious
that something has to change. In the
weeks leading to Christmas, I ask my clients if they are anxious about
Christmas. For the vast majority, the answer is yes. In this case, couples find
it helpful to explore those anxieties, whether stemming from previous negative
experiences or just worries that their still recovering relationship may
struggle under the added pressure. Discussing how they can support each other
and what they can do to make life easier for them during that time is key i.e.
if they are hosting and relatives are staying with them, what are the house
rules? When will the presents be opened? Is there a rota for cleaning up? Most
importantly, remembering that they are working as a team so that they, as a
couple, can have the best possible Christmas. Making sure they allocate a
little bit of time just for themselves away from the chaos tend to help too… If you feel
that, unfortunately, your relationship is not quite as good as it could or
should be, then help is available. Relationship counselling is a great resource
and can offer couples insights into what is happening with them and their
family, leading to opportunities for change.
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Difficult transition to parenthood? You're not alone!
Posted on December 5, 2013 at 5:44 AM |
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Did you know that 2 thirds of
couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction after the
birth of their first baby? While for some couples, relationship satisfaction
will eventually recover, for most couples the low will persist. It does not
take a rocket scientist to identify the causes of such a drop: lack of sleep,
constant demands of a new baby, being stuck at home a lot of the time, lack of
freedom or spontaneity. But also, becoming a parent is a huge adjustment for
both partners, not only in terms of lifestyle and what they might want to
achieve in life, but crucially it sends one back to their own childhood i.e.
what kind of child they were, how was the parenting they received, what do they
want for their own child, what do they want to replicate and what do they want
to avoid.
Furthermore, research tells
us that it is the changes that men make to their behaviour during that
adjustment period that can significantly improve relationship satisfaction.
This appears surprising at first and definitely at odds with what happens the
rest of the time when trying to address relationship issues where efforts from
both partners are much more balanced. So why is that? In the majority of cases,
it is still the woman who is the partner staying at home to look after the baby
and therefore the most impacted by his/her arrival. As she struggles through
adjusting to her new life, to feelings of guilt that often come with motherhood
and to find her new identity as a woman and a mother, could it be that increased
understanding and support from her loving partner make all the difference?
It is fascinating to observe
what that one third of couples who successfully transition from childless
couple to parents do differently. The overwhelming difference is that these
couples work as a team. They are aware that they are in it together and must
work together to get through the bad nights etc. They acknowledge each other’s
contributions and support each other through thick and thin. And when,
inevitably at times, tempers run short, they try to repair the situation
quickly and don’t let anything fester.
There are many ways any
couple can learn to do this and, obviously, relationship counselling can help.
If you like books, a good starting point is “And Baby makes three” by John and
Julie Gottman (2007). The Gottmans are a real life couple of American relationship
therapists who have developed over the years a keen interest on how couples
handle the transition to parenthood. The book can be a bit cheesy at times but
offers lots of tools and tips parents can use or reflect upon.
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Modern life turning people off sex?
Posted on November 27, 2013 at 7:16 AM |
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Have you
seen the BBC news article titled ‘Modern life turning people off sex’ yesterday
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25094142? It describes the findings of a once
in a decade poll of 15,000 brits enquiring about the number of times they’re
having sex per month. Significantly, it is the first time since the poll began
that a reduction in the frequency people are having sex has been registered.
Dr Cath
Mercer from University College London was quoted as saying “…we also think
modern technologies are behind the trend too. People have tablets and
smartphones and they are taking them into the bedroom, using Twitter and
Facebook, answering emails.”
I am not
surprised by these findings as they confirm what my clients have been reporting
more and more during relationship counselling. Couples can easily spend the whole evening side by side on the
sofa each on their smartphone or tablet hardly saying a word to each other.
When people are tired at the end of the day, this is easy entertainment
requiring minimum effort and certainly no ‘real’ human interaction. Not exactly
a turn on, is it? Things get worse when technology gets in the bedroom, as
people tend to fall asleep on their phone/tablet instead of turning to each
other for a cuddle. So if you’re in bed reading this, maybe something to think
about?
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